Misses

I once thought that when you miss someone too much you’ll eventually run out of “misses” to ever miss them again. How wrong was I? I’ve been listening to some nice sappy songs a while ago and I opened my old college journal.

Wrong move because I spent the next two hours reading broken sentences that made so much sense back then. I’ve spent a couple of pages dedicating my thoughts to love and it’s always amusing to read and re-read them all over again.

I came across a page where I listed things I missed about a certain boy and I suddenly miss him all over again. Funny, because we never ever held hands, watched a movie, spent the night alone with the stars or something like that, but he was awesome. He loved Star Wars like I did and he was totally addicted to books and random movies.

We were also different. I had my nose on my academics and he was at times the boy who had his head in the clouds. Nevertheless he was the culprit of my sweetest poetry.

He was the first boy I ever loved too much. I broke some of the rules for him. He made me realize that love is fun and not overly-dramatic. Our conversations were so random but I cherished them like my favorite book.

My favorite fairy-tale had always been “Princess and the Pea”. It’s a normal love story without towers or dragons to slay, the story’s about a prince looking for a princess. He eventually found this girl in the rain, they fell in-love and all the girl had to do was impress her new mother-in-law by sleeping in a pile of mattress with a pea under it. Makes sense doesn’t it?

Love never fails but I’m pretty sure I failed love a million times. I know what true love already is and I finally realize that no boy can ever give me that. Neither will I ever give the truest love to any boy I’ll meet.

But I’m certain that I know how to love someone. I know how to hold their hand and how to let it go. I’m a good listener now and my time management skills have been improving.

Now I fully understand that I’ll fall in-love only when I find it unnecessary. That out of the cataclysm of school and work, I’ll find someone that will never impose their existence but will just gradually make my heart better with or without them.

Love never did ask for anything in return and so did he.

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Bucketlist

Hello 2014! I have five months to tame you. My days are numbered with your conclusions entering through the windows of hope and terror. If you would be so kind to dissect my heart you’d have a hard time finding fear, maybe I kept it too buried together with my meekness or maybe I lost it forever.

I seem to have found this good fear, the kind that makes me frantic and ambitious. It’s a panorama of a million emotions running back and forth my sleepless nights. My faith is getting better, it’s consciously helping me make right decisions. I’ve mustered all my strength to judge my actions and to consider those who have changed me greatly. I’ve met many amazing people last year and I’ve re-met them.

Staring at the Philippine map in my bedroom wall I conclude that this world is to small for love and its promises. That may be the cause why I’ll always feel like a castaway in this lifetime. I’ll always be finding ways of coming home. There is great pain in ambition, the kind that makes you proud or insensitive to eternity, it can make you forget who you really are and who you’re supposed to be.

Let me dedicate all the seconds I have left to books, travelling and prayer. I pray that life will remain mysterious for my heart and that I live with courage to be foolish enough for the world. I feel secure knowing God has my fate in his hands. It’s really safe to say that we’re all destined for impossible things. We’re born to make a difference not just for this lifetime. What we have are stolen moments of the universe, yet despite their minuscule value they help the sun stay in its place and they give stars a reason to shine at night.

Having a broken heart or a stolen dream doesn’t mean that one lived outside his purpose. Some hearts are beautiful for having made broken and a stolen dream is a trophy of wisdom and acceptance to a far greater calling. I guess it’s important to remember that we all have a love that hasn’t even began yet with the right person. I think love means carrying your dreams along with other people’s dreams. It’s carrying each other’s hope, fears and ambition. It’s sharing a common faith.

Dear Russ

I’m gonna go straight to the point I miss you. I miss my best friend, lol, so much for serene introductions. This day has led me to reminisce things and to look forward as well. We really don’t know much about what’s happening in each other’s life. I don’t know much of the things that make you happy or sad right now. I don’t know what keeps you up at night, haha. But what I’ve realized from our friendship is that we don’t really have to know in order to care.

Funny, the three of us (Martin, you & I) didn’t always see eye to eye. Martin has his heart for drawing and other stuff I can’t really pronounce, lol, you have your flare for excitement and daring choices, hehe and I have my books and my cup of tea. We were an unlikely trio, but despite that we came together through our differences. I can still recall how our placid moments turned golden through experience. How our individual cause made us closer by driving us apart, like fission, the more we’re far from each other, the more synergy we have to make a difference in each other’s life. 

You’re one of the people who know me so well. You know who I hate, who I don’t hate, haha, you know the “Hero” of my college life. If I can recall, we were at Mcdo buying dinner for the M Staff when you blurted out “You like him” and I was surprised and I coyly denied the truth. You replied “Kez, it’s so obvious” and I finally admitted that I was sort of having a major crush on you know who, lol. You can leave my words subservient to your conclusions and I always admired the way you can convince my heart to be honest (hug). 

My mom told me that for the next six months I can do anything I want except drugs and other things, haha. She told me to try new experiences and do things to widen out my perspective, she always said that I’m not really that “friendly”. I don’t know why she said that but in order to prove to her that I’m not socially challenged I tried those Korean on-line tutorial things, where you talk to random strangers and you make them feel at ease or something like that. I tried it for a day and when I got home she was at the door saying “So, what did you learn?”. Haha, I told her my realizations and she replied that I should do more things that test my maturity. 

Hours ago, she told me that the entrance exam in San Beda is on January. Maybe that’s why I’m so jumpy today, or maybe it was the tea I drank, went to coffee break a while ago and they had no jasmine so I settled for sencha. By the way, there’s this cute guy at coffee break and guess what?! He’s studying at eleven in the evening. What could be better than a boy who’s totally dedicated to his studies? Haha, I think he was a medicine student student or maybe an accounting major. I always wanted to marry an accountant, lol. 

Russy, my heart is racing for the exams, I know that it’s still two months from now, but I can’t help but be mesmerized at how fast we’re growing up and how assiduous we must be for the pursuits of our hearts. I don’t know how our dreams will “propagate” along the way but I’m sure that we have our eyes on where we’re going and our hearts on how to get there.

You’ve seen how sort of hostile college life was to me, like during my report in one Filipino class where the teacher said that my reporting was so unacceptable and she made me sit down in the middle of my lecture, haha, I will not forget that moment. It was like discovering my strength by being weak, I tried to smile after she told me to sit down but inside a storm was growing, a storm that was calmed when I realized how the waves brought me to where I should be. 

Sometimes life offers us too many choices, that I guess some of us spend more time deciphering the right choice than actually living it out. I guess we’re the lucky ones? hehe. There’s still so much out there that we don’t know and there’s so much in us that wants to find out. 

I’m wishing you well on your journey. I’ll always be one of your greatest fans, am sure you’ll do amazing things just like you always do. Continually astound people and the fashion world, hehe. And just like the thing you told me when you arrived from Japan – “the faith one has for his dreams give them the greatest value”. 

Train Rides

His body was distant from his soul and his heart was out of tune. For a moment he was certain of what he felt, but as expected he threw away a love he was most certain of. He was tired of dreaming, restless of those quite moments that remind him so much of why stars had to shine. 

For him, the moon no longer holds a mystery. Every puzzle life had to offer was only a nonchalant offer. He’d love to rewind time. While drinking his usual doze of nostalgia, he remembered the rainy days shared with long conversations, the crimson afternoons spent exploring the heart of the city without limitations. His heart can love again. But as he thought to himself another risk, he politely declined.