“To what will you look for help if you will not look to that which is stronger than yourself?”
C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
I once thought that when you miss someone too much you’ll eventually run out of “misses” to ever miss them again. How wrong was I? I’ve been listening to some nice sappy songs a while ago and I opened my old college journal.
Wrong move because I spent the next two hours reading broken sentences that made so much sense back then. I’ve spent a couple of pages dedicating my thoughts to love and it’s always amusing to read and re-read them all over again.
I came across a page where I listed things I missed about a certain boy and I suddenly miss him all over again. Funny, because we never ever held hands, watched a movie, spent the night alone with the stars or something like that, but he was awesome. He loved Star Wars like I did and he was totally addicted to books and random movies.
We were also different. I had my nose on my academics and he was at times the boy who had his head in the clouds. Nevertheless he was the culprit of my sweetest poetry.
He was the first boy I ever loved too much. I broke some of the rules for him. He made me realize that love is fun and not overly-dramatic. Our conversations were so random but I cherished them like my favorite book.
My favorite fairy-tale had always been “Princess and the Pea”. It’s a normal love story without towers or dragons to slay, the story’s about a prince looking for a princess. He eventually found this girl in the rain, they fell in-love and all the girl had to do was impress her new mother-in-law by sleeping in a pile of mattress with a pea under it. Makes sense doesn’t it?
Love never fails but I’m pretty sure I failed love a million times. I know what true love already is and I finally realize that no boy can ever give me that. Neither will I ever give the truest love to any boy I’ll meet.
But I’m certain that I know how to love someone. I know how to hold their hand and how to let it go. I’m a good listener now and my time management skills have been improving.
Now I fully understand that I’ll fall in-love only when I find it unnecessary. That out of the cataclysm of school and work, I’ll find someone that will never impose their existence but will just gradually make my heart better with or without them.
Love never did ask for anything in return and so did he.
I’ve loved the stars too fondly
to be fearful of the night.
She is strong and graceful,
as well as cheerful
about the future.
Hello 2014! I have five months to tame you. My days are numbered with your conclusions entering through the windows of hope and terror. If you would be so kind to dissect my heart you’d have a hard time finding fear, maybe I kept it too buried together with my meekness or maybe I lost it forever.
I seem to have found this good fear, the kind that makes me frantic and ambitious. It’s a panorama of a million emotions running back and forth my sleepless nights. My faith is getting better, it’s consciously helping me make right decisions. I’ve mustered all my strength to judge my actions and to consider those who have changed me greatly. I’ve met many amazing people last year and I’ve re-met them.
Staring at the Philippine map in my bedroom wall I conclude that this world is to small for love and its promises. That may be the cause why I’ll always feel like a castaway in this lifetime. I’ll always be finding ways of coming home. There is great pain in ambition, the kind that makes you proud or insensitive to eternity, it can make you forget who you really are and who you’re supposed to be.
Let me dedicate all the seconds I have left to books, travelling and prayer. I pray that life will remain mysterious for my heart and that I live with courage to be foolish enough for the world. I feel secure knowing God has my fate in his hands. It’s really safe to say that we’re all destined for impossible things. We’re born to make a difference not just for this lifetime. What we have are stolen moments of the universe, yet despite their minuscule value they help the sun stay in its place and they give stars a reason to shine at night.
Having a broken heart or a stolen dream doesn’t mean that one lived outside his purpose. Some hearts are beautiful for having made broken and a stolen dream is a trophy of wisdom and acceptance to a far greater calling. I guess it’s important to remember that we all have a love that hasn’t even began yet with the right person. I think love means carrying your dreams along with other people’s dreams. It’s carrying each other’s hope, fears and ambition. It’s sharing a common faith.
My hope will cling on Your promise – my spirit revived in Your story.
My soul is as bright as a million suns right now. I’m so excited for the next six months of my life, six crucial months before I finally (hopefully) go to San Beda. I want to make everything count, learning, travelling, exploring the corners of life without hesitations. My heart is full of hope anchored on faith and prayer that I pass the entrance exam and have the courage to live life in a big city where anything can happen.
I’ve never been this scared and excited before. Tomorrow I’ll call San Beda and the rest will be history after I take the entrance exams. I’m tracing the dots of destiny, forging fate as I finally get the chance to be out there. For you, who’s reading this, please do pray for me that I’m gonna do well in my pursuits and that my faith will not tarnish but increase by the precious seconds of this lifetime.
I have six months to enlighten myself about the real world and commit all that I can to my dream of being a lawyer. The study of law demands so much familiarity. It considers eloquence subservient to its notions. It demands such loyalty and price, of which I’m not sure I can fully afford. I have to be more alive than ever, live with no questions, no doubts. My prayers are fervent as I share this. The impossible has lost its threats.