Misses

I once thought that when you miss someone too much you’ll eventually run out of “misses” to ever miss them again. How wrong was I? I’ve been listening to some nice sappy songs a while ago and I opened my old college journal.

Wrong move because I spent the next two hours reading broken sentences that made so much sense back then. I’ve spent a couple of pages dedicating my thoughts to love and it’s always amusing to read and re-read them all over again.

I came across a page where I listed things I missed about a certain boy and I suddenly miss him all over again. Funny, because we never ever held hands, watched a movie, spent the night alone with the stars or something like that, but he was awesome. He loved Star Wars like I did and he was totally addicted to books and random movies.

We were also different. I had my nose on my academics and he was at times the boy who had his head in the clouds. Nevertheless he was the culprit of my sweetest poetry.

He was the first boy I ever loved too much. I broke some of the rules for him. He made me realize that love is fun and not overly-dramatic. Our conversations were so random but I cherished them like my favorite book.

My favorite fairy-tale had always been “Princess and the Pea”. It’s a normal love story without towers or dragons to slay, the story’s about a prince looking for a princess. He eventually found this girl in the rain, they fell in-love and all the girl had to do was impress her new mother-in-law by sleeping in a pile of mattress with a pea under it. Makes sense doesn’t it?

Love never fails but I’m pretty sure I failed love a million times. I know what true love already is and I finally realize that no boy can ever give me that. Neither will I ever give the truest love to any boy I’ll meet.

But I’m certain that I know how to love someone. I know how to hold their hand and how to let it go. I’m a good listener now and my time management skills have been improving.

Now I fully understand that I’ll fall in-love only when I find it unnecessary. That out of the cataclysm of school and work, I’ll find someone that will never impose their existence but will just gradually make my heart better with or without them.

Love never did ask for anything in return and so did he.

Bucketlist

Hello 2014! I have five months to tame you. My days are numbered with your conclusions entering through the windows of hope and terror. If you would be so kind to dissect my heart you’d have a hard time finding fear, maybe I kept it too buried together with my meekness or maybe I lost it forever.

I seem to have found this good fear, the kind that makes me frantic and ambitious. It’s a panorama of a million emotions running back and forth my sleepless nights. My faith is getting better, it’s consciously helping me make right decisions. I’ve mustered all my strength to judge my actions and to consider those who have changed me greatly. I’ve met many amazing people last year and I’ve re-met them.

Staring at the Philippine map in my bedroom wall I conclude that this world is to small for love and its promises. That may be the cause why I’ll always feel like a castaway in this lifetime. I’ll always be finding ways of coming home. There is great pain in ambition, the kind that makes you proud or insensitive to eternity, it can make you forget who you really are and who you’re supposed to be.

Let me dedicate all the seconds I have left to books, travelling and prayer. I pray that life will remain mysterious for my heart and that I live with courage to be foolish enough for the world. I feel secure knowing God has my fate in his hands. It’s really safe to say that we’re all destined for impossible things. We’re born to make a difference not just for this lifetime. What we have are stolen moments of the universe, yet despite their minuscule value they help the sun stay in its place and they give stars a reason to shine at night.

Having a broken heart or a stolen dream doesn’t mean that one lived outside his purpose. Some hearts are beautiful for having made broken and a stolen dream is a trophy of wisdom and acceptance to a far greater calling. I guess it’s important to remember that we all have a love that hasn’t even began yet with the right person. I think love means carrying your dreams along with other people’s dreams. It’s carrying each other’s hope, fears and ambition. It’s sharing a common faith.

Dear Russ

I’m gonna go straight to the point I miss you. I miss my best friend, lol, so much for serene introductions. This day has led me to reminisce things and to look forward as well. We really don’t know much about what’s happening in each other’s life. I don’t know much of the things that make you happy or sad right now. I don’t know what keeps you up at night, haha. But what I’ve realized from our friendship is that we don’t really have to know in order to care.

Funny, the three of us (Martin, you & I) didn’t always see eye to eye. Martin has his heart for drawing and other stuff I can’t really pronounce, lol, you have your flare for excitement and daring choices, hehe and I have my books and my cup of tea. We were an unlikely trio, but despite that we came together through our differences. I can still recall how our placid moments turned golden through experience. How our individual cause made us closer by driving us apart, like fission, the more we’re far from each other, the more synergy we have to make a difference in each other’s life. 

You’re one of the people who know me so well. You know who I hate, who I don’t hate, haha, you know the “Hero” of my college life. If I can recall, we were at Mcdo buying dinner for the M Staff when you blurted out “You like him” and I was surprised and I coyly denied the truth. You replied “Kez, it’s so obvious” and I finally admitted that I was sort of having a major crush on you know who, lol. You can leave my words subservient to your conclusions and I always admired the way you can convince my heart to be honest (hug). 

My mom told me that for the next six months I can do anything I want except drugs and other things, haha. She told me to try new experiences and do things to widen out my perspective, she always said that I’m not really that “friendly”. I don’t know why she said that but in order to prove to her that I’m not socially challenged I tried those Korean on-line tutorial things, where you talk to random strangers and you make them feel at ease or something like that. I tried it for a day and when I got home she was at the door saying “So, what did you learn?”. Haha, I told her my realizations and she replied that I should do more things that test my maturity. 

Hours ago, she told me that the entrance exam in San Beda is on January. Maybe that’s why I’m so jumpy today, or maybe it was the tea I drank, went to coffee break a while ago and they had no jasmine so I settled for sencha. By the way, there’s this cute guy at coffee break and guess what?! He’s studying at eleven in the evening. What could be better than a boy who’s totally dedicated to his studies? Haha, I think he was a medicine student student or maybe an accounting major. I always wanted to marry an accountant, lol. 

Russy, my heart is racing for the exams, I know that it’s still two months from now, but I can’t help but be mesmerized at how fast we’re growing up and how assiduous we must be for the pursuits of our hearts. I don’t know how our dreams will “propagate” along the way but I’m sure that we have our eyes on where we’re going and our hearts on how to get there.

You’ve seen how sort of hostile college life was to me, like during my report in one Filipino class where the teacher said that my reporting was so unacceptable and she made me sit down in the middle of my lecture, haha, I will not forget that moment. It was like discovering my strength by being weak, I tried to smile after she told me to sit down but inside a storm was growing, a storm that was calmed when I realized how the waves brought me to where I should be. 

Sometimes life offers us too many choices, that I guess some of us spend more time deciphering the right choice than actually living it out. I guess we’re the lucky ones? hehe. There’s still so much out there that we don’t know and there’s so much in us that wants to find out. 

I’m wishing you well on your journey. I’ll always be one of your greatest fans, am sure you’ll do amazing things just like you always do. Continually astound people and the fashion world, hehe. And just like the thing you told me when you arrived from Japan – “the faith one has for his dreams give them the greatest value”. 

Sunny Side

My soul is as bright as a million suns right now. I’m so excited for the next six months of my life, six crucial months before I finally (hopefully) go to San Beda. I want to make everything count, learning, travelling, exploring the corners of life without hesitations. My heart is full of hope anchored on faith and prayer that I pass the entrance exam and have the courage to live life in a big city where anything can happen.

I’ve never been this scared and excited before. Tomorrow I’ll call San Beda and the rest will be history after I take the entrance exams. I’m tracing the dots of destiny, forging fate as I finally get the chance to be out there. For you, who’s reading this, please do pray for me that I’m gonna do well in my pursuits and that my faith will not tarnish but increase by the precious seconds of this lifetime.

I have six months to enlighten myself about the real world and commit all that I can to my dream of being a lawyer. The study of law demands so much familiarity. It considers eloquence subservient to its notions. It demands such loyalty and price, of which I’m not sure I can fully afford. I have to be more alive than ever, live with no questions, no doubts. My prayers are fervent as I share this. The impossible has lost its threats. 

Goldfish

Sometimes I have the attention span of a goldfish. Constantly distracted by a million things, my thoughts linger on a chess board with me too lazy to take my turn, jumping from one piece to another before I make my move. Sometimes I leave books unfinished (it’s embarrassing), homeworks half done and more recently I kept on devolving my attention between this movie I’m watching and this awesome music in my ipod.

So yeah, maybe I’m good at procrastinating and being distracted. But I do follow a routine that is sort of programmed in my system. Like I vacuum thrice every two weeks, order milk tea every other day and yeah read my bible before I go to sleep, nothing distracts me from doing those things (at times).

I go to school early and study for Criminal Law as if my life depended on it. I write in my journal when I feel like it, everyday or something like that. Perhaps, life is offering too much choices on how we spend every second that we spend more time thinking on what to do rather than actually doing it. I mean some, most, I don’t know but I think a number of people spend more time finding who they are than, you know, actually being themselves.

I seriously want to be focused on things, giving them my undivided attention as if for two or three hours they’re all that mattered. However, I also want to let them go as soon as they pose no threat to my well deserved reflex of emotion.

Right now I’m distracted, while writing this I hear the epiphany of crickets outside my room, the rush of rain tapping on the roof as if they were voices asking me a thousand things about myself and this temporary life. Too temporary for that matter, I hear my own thoughts pacing back and forth like an unsure soldier.

Like going to war, without knowing how it ends I risk the selfishness of peace by entertaining every thought as part of a struggle, then again no war was ever won by lack of choices.

Legal Writing

Pen

To be a good lawyer, you have to be a good writer. When you are a lawyer, you will be writing all the time. If you do not have any inclination at all to be a writer, you better acquire such inclination if you hope to be even an ordinarily competent lawyer. – Fortunato Gupit, Jr.

Photo Credit: www.photographymad.com

Reminder

Growing up I always told myself that I’d rather have a broken heart than a broken dream. Yeah, it’s like this protocol fathers tell their daughters once they hit puberty or something like that – silly hormones.

Then again, there are times when I can’t help but just grow up with the thought of having someone to share “that something” with. And then two minutes later, it gets blown away by thoughts of dreams, ambitions and expectations. Don’t worry I’m not gonna be all T.S. and be sharing my insights about love (I do that in my private journal) but I must admit that it crossed my mind at times no matter the purges of my ambition.

Law school is definitely a place I want to be in. I enjoy and suffer the grit of studying till two in the morning, I love the rush of excerpts from the cases we discuss in class and I love the thought that I’m a step closer to my dream of becoming a lawyer. It’s tough and I constantly pray that I survive it.

There’s a place and time for everything.

Tired.

Start-off

People say that there are two important events in a person’s life. First is the day they were born. And second is the day they know why. Growing up, I’ve known two general truths about myself: first is that I really love to read. And second, I love God and the rest follow suit.

Every day I’d succumb into the depths of books and their visions. I’d be lost for hours dazed in the glory of knights and their slaughtered dragons. I’d mourn over the death of heroes and laugh at the sarcasm of jesters. I’d share the triumphs of David as he defeated his Goliath, hoping that I’d defeat mine too.

My influence with books and the television made want to pursue many careers. Watching Dexter’s Laboratory made me want to be a scientist. CSI and Detective Conan made me want to be a detective. Hans Christian Andersen’s stories made me want to be a princess who sleeps uncomfortably in a tower of mattresses as she lies in wait for the morning to marry her prince. There was even a stage in my life when I wanted to be an archaeologist because I loved to dig and collect rocks.

So I guess I took up law because of my love for stories. When I conducted my thesis entitled Journalism as a Pre-law Degree: Cases of Lawyers in Western Visayas, I’ve learned that the courtroom is an empty page and the storytellers are the lawyers who battle their wit and elocution as they convince the listeners of the story that theirs is one they should believe in.

Another reason is also my love for writing. My grandfather was a lawyer he’d write legibly on long sheets of paper as I watched in awe of how nice his handwriting was and at how stern and urgent were its content. When I took up journalism I saw the role of writing in matters of social responsibility and community initiative. I’ve met countless people in hospitable beds. I’ve met a person who can’t read but still realizes his role in nation building. And I told their story by writing them with the ink of my soul.

My last reason is that I want to live for God’s glory. One of my greatest dreams is indeed to become a lawyer. I want it to be an avenue to help people and my family. I want people to be blessed with the gift of justice. Although law is a dangerous craft because the temptation of deceit is high, I know that through prayers I can survive. God has given me a really good support system, especially that one person who always believed in me, and told me that I’m going to be a great lawyer someday.

In my study of law, I expect to learn my heart out and gain as much experience that when the time comes that my practice is demanded I’ll be ready. From myself I expect focus, that I’ll devote my sleepless nights to the accomplishment of this craft and to memorizing the thick pages of civil codes.

I expect to be molded by incredible individuals who have dedicated their years in the exercise of law. I expect to love the thought of being a lawyer every day. I expect to be humbled by this challenge and to be certain that God has already destined it for me to accomplish.