Flashback

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This is Lola Norma, my Lola’s older sister. She married earlier than my Lola. Hers was a wedding  of opportunities, maybe because she moved to states right after or maybe because it opened a wound paving way for undying love.

At times, we think so much about the present that we tend to forget how beautiful the past is. I know that to delve on “what-has-been” is a hobby for those who are uncertain of the future but history is the future, the fleeting tomorrow will be the bittersweet past, the epiphany of the present. My awful attempt to bring memories back to life made realize I will never repeat them to the fullest.

This flashback is my Lola’s wedding. I was never there obviously, but by looking at her pictures I see the future, not my own wedding but the future of of decisions. I admit the future is so uncertain, foggy. I’m lost in the tribulations of my mind. My heart is clearly out of the picture and so is my Lola’s, literally. I’m moving to this new phase though I don’t know what it fully is.

ImageMy Lola’s name is Elsa, Elsa Cordero Ferraris. Looking at her wedding pictures, Lola never had a full smile. I’m not really sure why. As a meticulous woman she was always ahead of everyone, her tongue was sharp, too sharp for that matter. A product of the Spanish colonized Philippines, my Lola knew better than to trust anyone with her future . But I’m certain she was in-love with my Lolo.

Lolo once told me to choose the man who loves me rather than the man I love. Makes a lot of sense but I’m willing to have my heart broken just to love without reason. Illogical, I know but there will be times when I have to give up my own heartaches for something better. And what’s better than the absence of definition to clarify happiness?

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Contracts are legal agreements. Someday I’ll have to sign contracts, to be honest I’ve always been amused with the thought that agreements have exceptions. There’s always a “But” to every arrangement. No one is exempted from the thought of doubt. The moment we let a tiny speck of suspicion plant a  seed in our minds the rest is forgotten. I don’t know what went on my Lola’s mind when she signed this. I’m not sure I want to know.

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Not a smile – Lola was really never known for smiling. She’s critical about opinion. She used to be. This is seriously making me think about my future. I’m not sure if I’ve been doing things my future deserves. I know what I want, I’m sure this pursuit of mine has a purpose. I’m praying for greater things ahead.

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